by Rob Laymon Copyright © 1997
(Ring.) "Good afternoon, Philadelphia Forum."
"Hi. I'm wondering if I could sign up for one of your Forum self-empowerment seminars. I've heard about them, my friends have all done them, and they seem so much more, I don't know...empowered."
"I believe you have the wrong number, sir. We offer no seminars here."
(Ring.) "Good afternoon, Philadelphia Forum."
"Hi, is this the Forum seminars?"
"No, ma'am, this is the Philadelphia Forum newspaper. Newspapers don't generally offer seminars, unless you want to learn bitterness."
(Ring.) "Good afternoon, Philadelphia Forum."
"Hi, are you the people who offer the seminars for 400 bucks on the weekends?"
"Yes we are. How can I help you?"
"I'm interested in signing up for the seminar."
"Do you have $400?"
"Yes."
"Well, I don't see any problem. We have plenty of openings for people who have $400. Make the check out to Rob Laymon, treasurer, and we'll get you squared away."
"What seminars are available?"
"What kind would you like?"
"I think I'd like the basic seminar, teaching the fundamental concepts of The Forum, self-empowerment and raising self-esteem--that sort of thing."
"Well, by golly, that's the kind you'll get. We'll empower the shit right out of you. Now send that check to the Philadelphia Forum, 1816 Ludlow Street...."
"Can you tell me anything about the basic seminar?"
"I sure can. How much do you know about it?"
"Well, I know you teach students how to stop living out of self-deceiving rackets, and how to recognize the masks of perception we see the world through."
"That's exactly correct."
"Can you tell me anything else about it?"
"Absolutely. How much more do you know?"
"Well, you teach students how to own their problems and not be owned by them, how to deal better with relationships and overcome bad habits."
"That sounds good to me. Sir, I can see you are a prime candidate for our seminars. You really will make an excellent Forum Foree. Foray. Formica. Now, our zip code here is...."
"But how exactly do you do all these things? What is the method? Is it psychotherapy?"
"Well, we're... we're not allowed to reveal that information over the phone. It's the kind of information you don't want getting into the heads of those who are not prepared for it, you see. So you should definitely take the seminar and send that check right out."
"But how will I know The Forum seminars are right for me?"
"Oh, they're right for everyone. The expenditure of $400 makes a certain imprint upon the memory that's not soon lost. Besides, if I told you the secret over the telephone, you wouldn't attend, would you? And you would deny yourself the experience of sitting three days in a cramped hotel room with 100 sweaty classmates who are not allowed to pee."
"You're not allowed to pee?"
"Oh, all right. I'll let you pee if you want. But expect to spend three complete days doing intensive psychological work, alone and in groups, to the point where you begin to experience hallucinations. And at the end of that time, expect to emerge as a changed person, someone who has been liberated from, uh, well, from the desire to wear fresh clothing, for one thing.
"It sounds mighty intense."
"Intense, yes. And for those who make it through the basic seminar, we have additional seminars designed to carry onward the work begun in the first. So at the completion of the full series of seminars, which will take place around your 70th birthday, you will be a person who has been blissfully unburdened by the heavy choices imposed upon the soul by a surplus of capital."
"Additional seminars?"
"Many additional seminars."
"They all cost money?"
"Tons of money. What good thing doesn't?"
"You know, I'm thinking maybe The Forum isn't for me after all. It sounds too excruciating. Maybe I'll pass."
"You don't have to do the whole course. We have a special this week--$195 per major relationship issue. Tell you what: Give me 50 bucks and I'll raise your self-esteem right now."
"Sorry. Bye bye."
(Ring.) "Good afternoon, Philadelphia Forum."
"Hello, is this the Forum Seminars?"
"Yes it is. It's also the Philadelphia Forum and Church of Scientology. Do you have any money?"
"A little."
"Good. Get that check-writing hand ready and we'll have you self-empowered in no time."
* But seriously: Whom are the callers above confusing us with when they ask for "The Forum"? Is it the pornographic theater on Market Street? Bob Guccione's magazine of sex advice? No, my best guess is a weekend personal-transformation seminar called The Forum. It's sponsored by Landmark Education, a global self-help organization whose Philadelphia number is 574-4600. If you call them, remember: They sell seminars, we sell ads.
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