Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual
leadership". He received a$26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter
who's lacking intelligence...
...With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had
barricaded himself insidehis home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers
discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and
give himself up...
And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forcedhim to drive
to two different automated teller machines.The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw
money from his own bank accounts...
...And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary
school's drug policylast week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate
that the mints would make him "jump higher."
And a student in Belle, West Virginia, was suspended for three days for giving a
classmate a cough drop. Schoolprincipal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance"
policy...not to be confused with the"zero- intelligence" policy...
Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a
$127,000 home last month - ashort in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention
alarm system."This is even worse than last year," saidthe distraught homeowner,
"when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
And for the Main Course...
A man in Taormina, Italy, was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette
lighters, and a pair of saladtongs.
The Getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas, Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the
cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and
worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with
a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him
an X ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were
shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a
Black & Decker powerdrill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing
brain.
Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000
a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the
would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid
the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis
to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and
marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe
that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...
Too Well-Educated
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree
for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there,"
he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..."
Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control
himself during a lineup.When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the
words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's
not what I said!"
Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to
mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms.The robber apparently stuffed
the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door."He was
seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with
an explosion taking placeinside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers
in custody...
Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions
are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor
asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a
Bank of America branch without aweapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate
a gun, but, unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder
what he uses for a knife?
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