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 Corporate Psychics:

the secret weapon of savvy recruiters

by Robin Zaig-Blue
For most industries, today's job market is still a buyer's market, and if you're a business owner that's mostly good news for you. But there is a down side: legions of frantic job-seekers, seeking to bleed corporate America of its last payroll dollar, have become much more desperate in recent years. More of these people than you might care to believe have resorted to placing false information on their resumes, or lying during job interviews. This can lead to costly mistakes in hiring.
How can you protect yourself from the deceptive practices of the demanding, employment-starved hordes who are out to bankrupt you? Standard background checks are of limited effectiveness. And even the best private investigator can only uncover so much.

All of these conventional methods, after all, can only make use of data that exist in the three-dimensional world, e.g., written records, information from the applicant's neighbors, empty bottles from the applicant's garbage, etc.

That's why you may want to consider hiring a Corporate Psychic. Though there are only a few Licensed Corporate Psychics at work in the U.S. today, their number is expected to mushroom in the next few years as the job market gets tighter and tighter. It's a fact that the few existing L.C.P.s are being kept very busy these days. That's because a Corporate Psychic can really give a recruiter the edge.
Says Hy Roaler of the Chicago-based C.P. firm Advisor Advantage, "A Corporate Psychic utilizes her or his unique gifts to find information that's simply not available by traditional routes. At Advisor Advantage we have access to the etheric realms, the Akashic Records, and other multi-dimensional resources. We don't have to see or speak to the applicant.
"In fact, all we need is their name, gender, resume, position applied for, place of residence, exact date and time of birth, social security number, drivers' license number, fingerprints, mother's maiden name, blood type, Mastercard number, shoe size, a lock of their hair, urine sample and medical and dental records if available."

Asked why they need even this information if they're so "psychic," Roaler explains that there might be two people of the same name in the same town. "And many other particulars of the two peoples' lives might also coincide. It could be tragic if we 'read' for the wrong person."

Hy Roaler and his partner at the firm, Lisa Schlopstein, are doing a booming business; many of their clients are Fortune 500 firms who asked not to be named. A typical "reading" can run anywhere from $1,500 to $10,000, depending on the size of the firm and the importance of the position being applied for.

How do these psychics work their magic? Here's a typical scenario at Advisor Advantage. One partner, either Roaler or Schlopstein, gathers all of the data about the applicant, placing all the material except for the resume into a box. She or he takes the resume into the Reading Room, turns off all electric lights in the Room and lights thirteen candles.

First s/he sits down and meditates over the resume, eyes tightly closed, for a period of up to an hour. S/he then drops the resume into the Magic Bowl, which is filled with specially activated waters, and makes note of whether or not the resume floats. Then the psychic enters an adjoining room where the applicant's data box has been placed. The reading procedure that follows is systematic and scientific.

  1. The psychic flings the entrails of a freshly killed chicken into the data box and shakes well, then "reads" the resulting vibes, and records the stream-of-consciousness impressions into a tape recorder.
  2. S/he throws in a few tea leaves and shakes the box again, then reads the results and records those impressions into the tape recorder.
  3. S/he throws in a whole deck of tarot cards and shakes the box again, then reads and records the results.
  4. S/he adds a tablespoon of balsamic vinegar and a pinch of brown sugar to the box, shakes vigorously, pre-heats oven to 350 degrees and bakes for 2 hours. Makes four servings.
  5. After this the solitary-reading phase is finished, so the psychic calls the partner into the room. The two of them remove all of their clothing and perform a proprietary ritual that Advisor Advantage chose not to reveal to this reporter. (When asked why they were so secretive about this point Schlopstein simply said, "That's what 'proprietary' means, schmo.")

So just what sort of information does all this reading uncover? Roaler explains, "What we do is look at an awful lot of details about this particular individual: their personality, how they interact with their family and friends and co-workers, their work experience, their belief system, whether or not they recycle, and if their vibrational level is compatible with our client's corporate culture."

Not all of the information picked up during a reading is shared with the client. For example, Advisor Advantage will reveal "strong substance abuse" but won't snitch if the person has an occasional Twinkie®. "We believe the applicant has at least some right to privacy," says Roaler.

If you're tired of being taken for a ride by desperate job applicants, you might seriously consider giving Roaler and Schlopstein a call. The few thousand dollars you spend may save you millions later. They can be reached at 1-900-555-READ.

Copyright © 1997 by Connie L. Schmidt

cosmic.connie@juno.com

from the book Cosmic Relief: Honoring & Celebrating the Global Paradigm Shaft

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