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The Utterly Appalling Poetry Corner

What's a true Community publication without the creative outpourings of local poets? Metaphysical and wholistic-type freebie rags are famous for their willingness to open their pages to those in the local subculture who have been touched, slapped or sucker-punched by the muse.

You say you can't do it? Oh, come now. Didn't you used to write profoundly terrible poetry way back in high school? We sure did. You remember how it's done, don't you? If not, perhaps you can draw some inspiration from the following samples. Like everything else on the Cosmic Relief web site (and in the book too), these were inspired by (actually, very nearly stolen from) real contributions to real publications. The truth is, we really don't have to work very hard at all to get our material.

 To contribute to "Utterly Appalling Poetry Corner," e-mail your contribution to CosmicRelief@juno.com (subject line: "Utterly Appalling Poetry").

Or snail-mail to Misguided Angel Press, 8919 Friendship Road, Houston TX 77080-4111, Attention: Appalling Poetry. And watch for future additions to this page - maybe yours! In fact, the submissions are already coming in, and we begin our collection with an offering from a poet who goes by the name of Brennan, and who, like us, resides in The Bayou City.

Also...don't overlook the list of some of our favorite bad-poetry links (just in case the link in this sentence doesn't work, they're way at the bottom of this page).

The Great Cosmic Birthday Bash

by Brennan

Today is my birthday, the day of my birth,
The day when my soul reunited with Earth.
It flew through the galaxy, past Jupiter and Mars.
It passed a few asteroids and millions of stars.
Coming from Heaven as it surely has done,
It shot past some angels all aglow in the sun.
And now it is home in my innermost child,
Which is why on my birthday I danced and I smiled.

God bless you all.

Editor's note: Accompanying this stunning submission was this simple but profound question from the poet: "Is that bad enough, or should I try harder?" The answer to both questions is a resounding yes, Brennan: that is more than bad enough – but never, never, never stop trying.

Samhain With My Sisters

By Lady Moonstar Windpasser

Editor's note: Lady Moonstar is the priestess of the Sacred Flame Coven in Mount Doglick, Texas, and past president of Central Texas Pagans for Jesus.

Sky-clad with my sisters, I am
Enraptured. We are
Thirteen women, larger than life, who
Have gathered here on this Night of Nights to
Invoke the infinite ageless Goddess who
Bids us dance in Her circle, as we
Summon Her divine Paramour.
The Night reeks of Magick as
We, naked and big and beautiful,
Dance on the sacred Hill and
Frolic with the Lord of Light
And the Prince of Darkness, and,
For that matter, any
Male deity we can invoke.
Think not that we eschew
Flesh-and-blood men; it's more like
The other way around.
But who needs a real man
We've got Pan

(This one's for you, Trey. J CLS)

Illustration: "The Dance of Ecstasy" by Lady Wombsinger of the Silver Antler Coven and Drum Circle in Goatthroat, N.M. Executed in watercolor, ritual candle wax and butterfly wing dust. Signed limited prints are available; send as much money as you can to the Webmistress of this site (U.S. dollars only).

In the interests of full disclosure, we must tell you that you most likely won't receive a print, but you will delight your Webmistress, and that should count for something.

The Path Goes On and On...

By Rupert Schlock

I stand on the turning point of my Path
As it winds up the mountain of Life
With my gaze toward the Infinite
As I try to keep my mind off all Strife.
I hold fast to my Dreams
I whisper affirmations by clear blue Streams
I look to the sky to see what I can see
And I experience visions of my Destiny
I live each day to its fullest
As if it may be my last
And I attend twelve-step meetings
To share stories about my past.
Knowing all the while
That I need to start each day with a smile
For beyond tomorrow's tomorrow there may be
Another tomorrow, which I may not see.
But there are Masters along the Way
To show me clearly what I must do to-day.
I hope this poem helps you too
To decide whatever you must or must not do
Maybe you'll end up writing poems too
But just in case you're wondering how I write the things I do,
I will share some secrets of my inspiration
To get you started with your own written rumination.
One does not sit down to write poetry
It just happens. It happened to me.
If you read this with your heart, you'll hopefully see
A little bit of you
As well as a lot of me.
I could go on and on
With this heartfelt song,

Editor's note: This poem remains unfinished, because, tragically, someone came in and bludgeoned the poet in mid-verse. Though he is still in a coma, he has gone on to commit several other insightful poems, which will appear in the next issue of the wholistic-lifestyle magazine, Spirit Squeaks.

Dig Those Crystals!

by Sedona Angelina Maneater

Editor's note: Sedona was one of the adventurers who joined us on our recent Magic Crystal Dig, Psychic Fair and Spiritual Yard Sale in rural Arkansas. The following is an excerpt from her book of poetry inspired by this wonderful trip.

Spirits and crystals and UFOs
So many mysteries nobody knows.
I went to dig crystals in Arkansas
And boy was I filled with awe.
We beat on drums, told stories and sang
And the voices of angels rang.
Women from Venus and men from Mars,
Sweat Lodges and seminars.
Devas and faeries and sprites and elves
Got us in touch with our higher Selves.
Buddha and Christ, Zoroaster and Ra
All were with us in Arkansas.
Totems of Eagle and Wolf and Flea
Great Spirit spoke through them to me.
Spirits of Chigger and Fly and Tick
Lyme Disease is only Karmic.
Angels and faeries and UFOs,
I saw them all and I'm thrilled to my toes.
Spirits and crystals, I'm so elated
'Cause everything is interrelated!

by Richard Self

I AM.

You AREN'T.

Not yet, anyway.

But you CAN BE

If you take my Workshop.

The Gift of a Perfect Rose

by Perri Helion

of the perfect Rose within us,

of all that Grows within us,

of all that Knows within us,

the Purple Prose within us...

I sing, I dance my Bliss

for forums just like this

that so abhor a white gap

they'll even publish my crap.

The Lesser Invocation

For those who aren't quite evolved enough for The Great Invocation

On second thought, f - - - it all.

From the Market where
I buy my daily Bread
let me also buy a can of Raid ®
with which to "bless" these Masters in Disguise.
With my can of Raid ®,
let me repeat a loving Affirmation
from one of the Refrigerator Magnets
which hangs upon my Frigidaire ®
from which the Light streams forth...
And let me send the Masters on their Way
to higher levels of Enlightenment.

Let Light and Love and Raid ® Restore the Plan

within my Kitchen.

Editor's note: This Invocation was designed for home use but with slight modification can be done as a group chant in the food-preparation area of a fast-food restaurant. If desired, the words "rodents" or "deadly bacteria" may be substituted for "roaches"; the term "Public Health Department" may be substituted for "Raid ®"; and so on.

Roach / heart graphic created by the author / webmistress from clip art in CorelDRAW! "Dance of Ecstasy": original artwork from CorelDRAW; corrupted by the author / webmistress in Corel PhotoPaint to make it look like really bad art. (How well did we do?) All other clip art by Task Force Really Big Edition, © New Vision Technologies, Inc.

Nice try, but my appetite hasn't been ruined yet. Take me to (or back to) the "Sampler" Contents Page.  

Take me to another Whirled...Cosmic Connie's Blog, Whirled Musings

Take me to the public forum (Ranting, Raving & ROFL)

I've had enough! Take me back to the Cosmic Relief Contents Page.

No, take me back to the Cosmic Relief Home Page.

Email Cosmic Connie

No, take me back to the top of the page so I can read the cosmic crap.

By his aura shall you know him... Yea, verily, it is Jeffrey Zeldman, the angel of awful web poetry.

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