Miscellaneous Fun, Interesting, Humorous and Useful Stuff

Basically stuff I had no where to keep but thought someone might find interesting or funny!!

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Homer's Beer Song
         X/
      _------_
     /         \             DO RE MI DRINK, by Homer J. Simpson.
    |           |
    |           |            *ahem* La la la la.... *ahem* LAAAAAAA!!
    |      __  __)
    |     /  \/  \           DO...... the stuff... that buys me beer...
   /\/\  (o   )o  )          RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
   /c     \__/ --.           ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
  (               )          FAR..... a long way to get beer...
   \_    _-------'           SO...... I'll have another beer...
    |   /         \          LA...... LA LA LA LA LA beer...
    |  | '\_______)          TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
    |   \_____)              That will bring us back to...
    |______ |                (Looks into an empty glass)
   |___-__/\/\
   /          \              D'OH!
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The Beer Prayer

Our lager, 

Which art in barrels, 

Hallowed be thy drink, 

Thy will be drunk, 

(I will be drunk), 

At home as I am in the tavern. 

Give us this day our foamy head, 

And forgive us our spillages, 

As we forgive those who spill against us, 

and lead us not to incarceration, 

But deliver us from hangovers, 

For Thine is the beer, 

The bitter and the lager, 

Forever and ever, Barmen.
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Homer Simpson 

Nuclear-power-plant safety inspector, 39, Springfield 

Interviewed by John Frink and Don Payne
January 2002, Volume 137, Issue 1
The Simpsons © 2001 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corp. 

When someone tells you your butt is on fire, you should take them at their word. 

There is no such thing as a bad doughnut. 

Kids are like monkeys, only louder. 

If you want results, press the red button. The rest are useless. 

There are many different religions in this world, but if you look at them carefully, you'll see that they all have one thing in common: They were invented by a giant, superintelligent slug named Dennis. 

You should just name your third kid Baby. Trust me—it'll save you a lot of hassle. 

You can have many different jobs and still be lazy. 

I enjoy the great taste of Duff. Yes, Duff is the only beer for me. Smooth, creamy Duff . . . mmmmmmmm. 

You can get free stuff if you mention a product in a magazine interview. Like Chips Ahoy! cookies. 

You may think it's easier to de-ice your windshield with a flamethrower, but there are repercussions. Serious repercussions. 

There are some things that just aren't meant to be eaten. 

The intelligent man wins his battles with pointed words. I'm sorry—I meant sticks. Pointed sticks. 

There are way too many numbers. The world would be a better place if we lost half of them—starting with 8. I've always hated 8. 

If I had a dollar for every time I heard “My God! He's covered in some sort of goo,” I'd be a rich man. 

Be generous in the bedroom—share your sandwich. 

I've climbed the highest mountains . . . fallen down the deepest valleys . . . I've been to Japan and Africa . . . and I've even gone into space. But I'd trade it all for a piece of candy right now. 

Every creature on God's earth has a right to exist. Except for that damn ruby-throated South American warbler. 

I don't need a surgeon telling me how to operate on myself. 

Sometimes I think there's no reason to get out of bed . . . then I feel wet, and I realize there is. 

Let me just say, Winnie the Pooh getting his head caught in a honey pot? It's not funny. It can really happen. 

Even though it is awesome and powerful, I don't take no guff from the ocean. 

I never ate an animal I didn't like. 

A fool and his money are soon parted. I would pay anyone a lot of money to explain that to me. 

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll get a hook caught on his eyelid or something. 

I made a deal with myself ten years ago . . . and got ripped off. 

Never leave your car keys in a reactor core. 

Always trust your first instinct—unless it tells you to use your life savings to develop a Destructo Ray. 

When you borrow something from your neighbor, always do it under the cover of darkness. 

If a spaceship landed and aliens took me back to their planet and made me their leader, and I got to spend the rest of my life eating doughnuts and watching alien dancing girls and ruling with a swift and merciless hand? That would be sweet. 

I may not be the richest man on earth. Or the smartest. Or the handsomest. 

Never throw a butcher knife in anger. 

The office is no place for off-color remarks or offensive jokes. That's why I never go there. 

My favorite color is chocolate. 

Always feel with your heart, although it's better with your hands. 

The hardest thing I've had to face as a father was burying my own child. He climbed back out, but it still hurts. 

If doctors are so right, why am I still alive? 

I'm not afraid to say the word racism, or the words doormat and bee stinger. 

Always have plenty of clean white shirts and blue pants. 

When that guy turned water into wine, he obviously wasn't thinking of us Duff drinkers. 

I love natural disasters because we're allowed to get out of work. 

When I'm dead, I'm going to sleep. Oh, man, am I going to sleep. 

What kind of fool would leave a pie on a windowsill, anyway? 
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How to deal with "Peace Activists"

With the war going on, many of us will encounter "Peace Activists" who will try and convince us that we must refrain from retaliating against the ones who terrorized us all on September 11, 2001, and those who support terror.

When you come upon one of these people, or one of their rallies, here are the proper rules of etiquette:

1. Listen politely while this person explains their views. Strike up a conversation if necessary and look very interested in their ideas. They will tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the people who did this to us, we will only bring on more violence. They will probably use many arguments, ranging from political to religious to humanitarian.

2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in the nose.

3. When the person gets up off of the ground, they will be very angry and they may try to hit you, so be careful.

4. Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings about more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter. Tell them if they are really committed to a nonviolent approach to undeserved attacks, they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution. Tell them they must lead by example if they really believe what they are saying.

5. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are correct.

6. As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them much harder. Square in the nose.

7. Repeat steps 2-5 until the desired results are obtained and the idiot realizes how stupid of an argument he/she is making.

8. There is no difference in an individual attacking an unsuspecting victim or a group of terrorists attacking a nation of people. It is unacceptable and must be dealt with. Perhaps at a high cost.

We owe our military a huge debt for what they are about to do for us and our children. We must support them and our leaders at times like these. We have no choice. We either strike back, VERY HARD, or we will keep getting hit in the nose.

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Words to live by ...

Deep Thought:
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
* by Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
* Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
* William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
* Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
* Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
* Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
* Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
* Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
* Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
* W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
* W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
* Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
* Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
* Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
* Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
* Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
* Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
* Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
* Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
* Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
* Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
* Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from urine.
* David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
* Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer.
* Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
* Dave Barry

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
* Homer Simpson
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The Beer Scooter:

How many times have you woken up in the morning after hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the club to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.  The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most.

Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the club in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt
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Hangover Rating

* (1 star hangover)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a steakbomb and a side of gravy fries from any truck stop USA.

** (2 star hangover)
No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing internet porn and writing junk e-mails.

*** (3 star hangover)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space shot and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke-yet you haven't peed once.

**** (4 star hangover)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars) your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, '76. You would shoot your mother for one or all of the following -
1. the clock to strike 6pm,
2. the entire appetizer list from TGIFridays, or
3.a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
 
***** (5 star hangover)
AKA Dante's 4^th Circle of Hell. You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because let's face it, all you can manage to do is bitch about your state - which is a mystery to you because you definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed, unaccompanied, at your house. The only thing you can do is smoke a bong hit and pass out. It's when you wake up a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you eat a large pizza, an order of Kung Pao Chicken, a ham and cheese omelet and a batch of Rice Krispie treats.

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Advantages Dogs have over Wives: 

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you. 
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. 
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. 
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another name. 
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. 
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 
7. A dog's parents never come to visit. 
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies. 
9. Dogs agree that you sometimes have to raise your voice to get your point across. 
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk 
11. Dogs seldom outlive you 
12. Dogs can't talk. 
13 Dogs enjoy petting in public. 
14. You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready to go 24-hours a day. 
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. 
16. Dogs like to go hunting. 
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog. 
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you. 
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?" 
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free. 
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car. 
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting. 
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater. 
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles or television programs guide their lives. 
27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep. 
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of pickup trucks. 
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdales, Neiman-Marcus or Nordstroms. 
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.

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Al Gore's 21 Lies

I say if you're going to vote for him, at least know what you are voting for.

Reprinted from the Internet News Bureau article "Al Gore's 21 Lies"

FICTION: Al Gore recently claimed that his mother-in-law pays more than $100.00 for the arthritis medicine Lodine; and he claims that his dog takes the same medicine for $37.00, claiming "This is wrong!"
FACT: Gore's aides were quick to apologize for Gore's lie, saying the information was from a Democratic study. Washington newspapers also reported that Al Gore wasn't even sure his mother-in-law was taking any medication and wasn't even sure she had arthritis. And, he doesn't know anything about his dog's "arthritis".

FICTION: Al Gore said his father, a senator, was a champion of civil rights during the 1960's.
FACT: Gore's father voted against the landmark Civil Rights Act of 1964 and was a racist who was fond of using the "N" word.

FICTION: Al Gore said that his sister was the very first person to join the Peace Corps.
FACT: By the time Gore's sister joined the Peace Corps, there were already over 100 members.

FICTION: The same sister died of lung cancer years later and Gore vowed to never accept tobacco money as campaign contributions.
FACT: Just four years later, while campaigning for office, Gore spoke to the tobacco industry and said he was one of them because "I've planted it, raised it, cut it, and dried it." He raised over $100,000 in "reported" contributions.

FICTION: While running for office, Gore's campaign literature claimed he was a "Brilliant Student."
FACT: Washington newspapers said he barely passed Harvard and consistently earned D's and C's.

FICTION: Gore claims an extensive knowledge of law as a result of his extensive study at law school.
FACT: Al Gore dropped out of law school.

FICTION: Gore claimed that his knowledge of God and spirituality came to complete fruition while "finishing" divinity school.
FACT: Al Gore dropped out of divinity school.

FICTION: Al Gore claimed responsibility for inventing the Internet in the 1990's.
FACT: Shocked scientists were quick to speak out, explaining that the Internet had been in widespread use by government and educational institutions since the early 1970's.

FICTION: Al Gore claimed the book "Love Story" was based on his life and Tipper's.
FACT: Author Erich Segal called a press conference to deny his claim. "Couldn't he at least lie about a love story where his sweetheart doesn't die?"

FICTION: Gore claimed that as a reporter for a Nashville newspaper, his stories led to the arrests of numerous corrupt criminals.
FACT: He later apologized for his claim and actually said it was untrue (Also known as lying).

FICTION: Gore claims to increase diversity in the staff that follows him daily, especially among blacks.
FACT: Black members of the Secret Service are suing because they claim they are not being promoted to positions guarding the Vice-president.

FICTION: Al Gore said he was the first to discover the Love Canal nuclear accident.
FACT: The incident was already discovered, being investigated, and covered widely in the press for many months before Gore was aware of it.

FICTION: Gore said just recently that if elected president, he would put harsh sanctions on the sleazy producers of Hollywood's extreme sex and violence.
FACT: Just six days later, Gore attended a fundraiser by Hollywood producers and radical gay activists where he told them that he would only pretend to "nudge them" if elected. He raised over $4 million.

FICTION: Al Gore said he built his Tennessee home with his bare hands.
FACT: Totally false!

FICTION: Al Gore says parents should not have a choice between private and public schools because public schools are far better.
FACT: Al Gore attended private school and he has sent his children to private schools.

FICTION: Al Gore remembers his mother lulling him to sleep as a baby by singing the popular ditty, "Wear The Union Label."
FACT: The popular ditty was created by the unions when Gore was 27 years old.

FICTION: Al Gore claimed to cosponsor the McCain-Feingold Campaign Reform Act.
FACT: The Act was not sponsored until he had been out of office for over a year.

FICTION: Al Gore claims to be instrumental in keeping gas prices low.
FACT: Gore has voted on numerous occasions to raise the tax on gasoline. In his book "Earth In The Balance" Gore claims that the nation's Number one enemy is the internal combustion engine. (That's the motor in your vehicle that gets you to work and takes your kids to school)

FICTION: Gore pretends to champion the rights of poor women to be tested regularly for breast cancer with the most modern technology.
FACT: While giving a speech on the subject in September, Gore didn't know what a mammogram was.

FICTION: AL Gore promised Florida's senior citizens that they would finally have low-cost drugs with no interference from government.
FACT: Gore's plan calls for the creation of a huge federal agency that would tell you which doctor you are allowed to see in order to get the "special rates."

FACT: Al Gore told NBC's Lisa Meyers that he had never told a lie. When Meyers pressed harder, "You've never told a lie?!" Gore said, "Not that I know of." SOUND FAMILIAR?

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Top 10 places/times not to get a Woody

10. With your wife, visiting her sister. 
9. Golfing with the guys 
8. With your wife, and accidentally run into your ex-girlfriend. 
7. Showering with the guys after a basketball game. 
6. Visiting a friend in the slammer. 
5. While being pulled over for a traffic citation. 
4. Shaking hands with your pastor/priest after church. 
3. In front of your child's 3rd grade class, looking at the teacher at show and tell time.
2. Standing on the subway with a bunch of nuns watching you.

And the number one time never to get a woody is 

1. When your best friend, on a guys night out, asks you, "Hey what do you want to do tonight?"
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Why yelling at a man doesn't work

What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I 
need to clean up! 
Your stuff is lying on the floor 

and you'll have no clothes 

to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW
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Marketing explained

Over the years, people have often asked me to explain the  various concepts of Marketing Communications. The following analogies might help clarify the "tools of the trade."

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." -- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." -- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. -- That's a Sales Rep.Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. -- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" -- That's Spam

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Definitions according to gender 

1: THINGY (thing-ee) n. 
a. Female: Any part under a car's hood. 
b. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. 
a. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. 
b. Male: Playing football without a jockstrap. 

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) 
a. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. 
b. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. 

4. BUTT (but) n. 
a. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." 
b. male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run or goal. Also good for mooning. 

5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n 
a. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. 
b. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. 

6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. 
a. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. 
b. male: Anything that can be done while drinking. 

7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. 
a. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. 
b. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding. 

8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. 
a. female: The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve. 
b. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. 

9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. 
a. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. 
b. male: A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 minutes

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Famous quotes (gender related)

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading."

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it, so I said "Thyroid problem?'"

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'"

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

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Translations

Translating Women's English: 

No = Yes 
Maybe = No 
We need = I want 
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry 
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to 
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful 
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later 
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! 
We need to talk = I need to complain 
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead 
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me 
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs 
You're so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot 
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive 
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now 
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?? 
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV 
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like 

Translating a Man's English: 

I'm hungry = I'm hungry 
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy 
I'm tired = I'm tired 
Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 
I love you = Let's have sex now 
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? 
What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question 
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! 
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you 
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you 
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you 
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you 
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. 
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay.

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How to speak about men and be politically correct:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
10. He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

How to speak about women and be politically correct: (new 2003 version)
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB -She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS -She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

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Differences between men & women

NICKNAMES 
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. 

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. 

EATING OUT 
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. 

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. 

MONEY 
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. 

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. 

BATHROOMS 
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. 

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. 

ARGUMENTS 
A woman has the last word in any argument. 

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 

CATS 
Women love cats. 

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. 

FUTURE 
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. 

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 

SUCCESS 
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 

A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 

MARRIAGE 
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. 

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. 

DRESSING UP 
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. 

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. 

NATURAL 
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. 

Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 

OFFSPRING 
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. 

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 

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Advice for the Ladies

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you
...buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it
...buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want
...buy a dog.

If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors
...buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you and watch a romantic movie
...buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
...buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually
...buy a dog.

But on the other hand --

If you want someone who will never come when you call,
Ignores you totally when you come home,
Leaves hair all over the place,
Walks all over you,
Runs around all night,
Only comes home to eat and sleep,
and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...
Then my friend . . . BUY A CAT!

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental.

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Speech patterns of men 

1. "I can't find it." 
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless. 

2. "That's women's work." 
MEANS: It's difficult, dirty, and thankless. 

3. "Will you marry me?" 
MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there's no milk left. 

4. "It's a guy thing." 
MEANS: There's no rational thought pattern connected with it, And you have no chance at all of making it logical. 

5. "Can I help with dinner?" 
MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table? 

6. "It would take too long to explain." 
MEANS: I have no idea how it works. 

7. "I'm getting more exercise lately." 
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.

8. "We're going to be late." 
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac. 

9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." 
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner. 

10. "That's interesting dear." 
MEANS: Are you still talking? 

11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." 
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again. 

12. "You expect too much from me." 
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake? 

13. "It's really a good movie." 
MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and half naked women. 

14. "You know how bad my memory is." 
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've every owned, but I forgot your birthday.
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Things We Can Learn From Our Children

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room. 
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late. 
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old. 
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence. 
12. Super glue is forever. 
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. 
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car. 
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.

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How To Thoroughly Clean the Toilet 

1. Put both lids up, and add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet bowl water. 
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet; the cat is actually enjoying this.) 
4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".) 
5. Have someone open the door to the outside. (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.) 
6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 
7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. Both the commode and the cat will now be sparkling clean!

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How to Give A Cat a Pill...

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right fore-finger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f---ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill:
1.) Wrap it in Bacon.

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You'll need a calculator. WOW! Who thinks up these things?  Take the number of the month you were born, multiply by 4, add 13, multiply by 25, subtract 200, add the day of the month on which you were born, multiply by 2, subtract 40, multiply by 50, add the last two digits of the year you were born, subtract 10,500. Notice anything funny about your answer?

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Things your mother should have told you. Happy cleaning and discovering!

1. Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

2. Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

3. To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

4. To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.

5. Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan and the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers.

6. To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

7. To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top.

8. Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces and there won't be any stains.

9. When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

10. If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."

11. Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

12. Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

13. Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

14. When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

15. To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

16. Cure for headaches Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

17. Don't throw out all that leftover wine Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

18. If you have a problem opening jars Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

19. Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

20. To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.

21. Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.

22. Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.

23. When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painless and easily.

24. Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china. Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary). Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka-Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.

25. If your VCR has a year setting on it, which most do, you will not be able to use the programmed recording features after 12/31/99. Don't throw it away. Instead, set it for the year 1972 as the days are the same as the year 2000. The manufacturers won't tell you. They want you to buy a new Y2k VCR.

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Some interesting facts:

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.

A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.

People Do Not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop...even your heart!

Only 7% of the population are lefties.

40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

The average housefly lives for one month. 

40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

Eating breakfast cereals like "Fruity Pebbles" and "Cap'n Crunch Berries" will cause your stool to come out green.

Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

About 20% of all adults in the US have or have had a cockroach that called their inner ear canal HOME. They enter while you sleep! This rates a good 10 on the ewwww-yuck scale and right up there with the fact that many of us have eaten a spider in our sleep tooooo (EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!)

The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.

John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".

Among the music catalogues that Michael Jackson owns the rights to is the South Carolina State anthem.

In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.

The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.

Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins.

If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better than men.

City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%.

Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%.

Cost of raising a medium size dog to the age of eleven $6,400.

Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards".

The phrase "Rule of Thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The nursery rhyme Ring Around The Rosey is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores (Ring Around the Rosey) .. these sores would smell very badly so common folk would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores (a pocket full of posies...) People who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease (ashes, ashes, we all fall down).

What occurs more often in December than any other month? Conception

What separates "60 Minutes" on CBS from every other TV show? No theme song.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? Their birthplace.

Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? Obsession

If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? One Thousand

What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? All were invented by women.

The only food that doesn't spoil? Honey.

There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? Father's Day

What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? He was allergic to carrots.

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes...when you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "good night, sleep tight" came from.

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave it To Beaver".

The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year....so BE CAREFUL!!

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after a couple's wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all of the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind
your P's and Q's".

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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Bounce^©

And all this time I've just been putting Bounce in the dryer.

1. It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them.
2. It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often.
3. Repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.
4. Eliminates static electricity from your television screen. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
5. Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.
6. Freshen the air in your home. Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.
7. Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.
8. Place one in empty luggage before storing.
9. Freshen the air in your car. Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
10. Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bond between the food.
11. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
12. Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
13. Eliminate static electricity from venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
14. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
15. Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
16. Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight.
17. Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.
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Kentucky Professional Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A.66 Ford Fairlane: B. 69 Chevrolet Chevelle: C.64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer? 
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a Field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house south of Beckley and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton coal truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The Mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country western singer?

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Actual Classified Ads in newspapers

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
----------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART STUPID DOG
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE. BETTER BE REWARD.
-----------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
----------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
------------------------------
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
-----------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
-------------------------------------
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
--------------------------------------
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
----------------------------------------
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
-----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
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TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
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EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
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OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
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JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
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LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
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ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
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OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
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AND THE BEST ONE FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
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Things to do at Wal-mart when you're bored...

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest rooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"
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Answering Machine Messages 

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.
7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
3. Hi. Now YOU say something.
2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back!

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10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out!  Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down

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50 Fun Things to do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

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Tests

Can anybody explain me why these things happens? Some cases are just human errors, but the ones in Tests like this are hard to explain.

TEST 1
It was found that our brain has a "hole". Here is a little mental exercise. You have to make the calculations as fast as possible, with no help at all. Just the quickness of your brain. Be honest and don't use a calculator.

You have 1,000
Add 40
Add 1,000
Now, add 30
Add another 1,000
Add 20
Now add another 1,000
And now, add 10
What is the total amount?

Is it 5,000?

Wrong

It's 4,100!!! You can't believe it? Do it with your calculator now.

TEST 2
Read fast and count how many "F" you find on the following:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

How many "F's" did you find?

3?? 4?? 

Wrong. There are 6 F's. The human brain hardly process the world "OF". Who found 6 at first is a genious. Who found 3 is normal. Who found 4 is rare. Who found 5 is rarest, and almost nobody finds 6.

TEST 3
Do you think you are different? Do this test.
Have you ever thought if we are the same or if we think the same thing? Do this test of Reflection and find the answers. Follow the instructions and answer the questions one at the time with the only help of your brain, and, as fast as possible. DO NOT SKIP ANY WITHOUT ANSWERING THE PREVIOUS ONE. IT'S VERY IMPORTANT
Now, tell me how much is:

15+6 

3+56 

89+2 

12+53 

75+26 

25+52 

63+32 

Of course, these mental calculations are not difficult, but now comes the real test. Be persistent. Go on.

123+5 

QUICK !!!! THINK ABOUT A TOOL AND A COLOR !!!!!

Go on

A little more

You came up with a Red Hammer, right ???

If you didn't, you belong to a 2% of the total poblation different enough to think of a different thing. The other 98% answers "Red Hammer" to this test. Whatever the explanation is, send this to your friends to find out if they are different or not.

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Brain Teasers (answers at the bottom)

1. Cathy has six pairs of black gloves and six pairs of brown gloves in her drawer. In complete darkness, how many gloves must she take from the drawer in order to be sure to get a pair that match? Think carefully!!

2. Mom, Dad, and 2 kids have come to a river, and they find a boat. It is small and can only carry one adult or 2 kids at a time. Both kids are good rowers, but how can the whole family reach the other side of the river?

3. Why can't you take a picture of an Indian woman with hair curlers?

4. What is the largest possible number you can write using only 2 digits?

5. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the tallest mountain in the world?

6. Because cigars cannot be entirely smoked, a hobo who collects cigar butts can make a cigar to smoke out of every 5 butts that he finds. Today, he has collected 25 cigar butts. How many cigars will he be able to smoke?

7. Jenn is facetious. She is also abstemious. She gets pneumonia. Given those clues, what is the only American tree she will like?

8. How many birth days does the average man have?

9. Someone at a party introduces you to your mother's only sister's husband's sister in law. He has no brothers. What do you call this lady?

10. Which weighs more, a pound of feathers or a pound of silver?

11. Two planes take off at the same exact moment. They are flying across the Atlantic. One leaves New York and is flying to Paris at 500 miles per hour. The other leaves Paris and is flying to New York at only 450 miles per hour (because of a strong head wind). Which one will be closer to Paris when they meet?

12. A carpenter was in a terrible hurry. He had to work as quickly as possible to cut a very heavy 10-foot plank into 10 equal sections. If it takes 1 minute per cut, how long will it take him to get the 10 equal pieces?

13. Why are 1898 silver dollars worth more than 1897 silver dollars?

14. What English word can have 4 of its 5 letters removed and still retain its original pronunciation?

15. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

16. In your sock drawer, you have a ratio of 5 pairs of blue socks, 4 pairs of brown socks, and 6 pairs of black socks. In complete darkness, how many socks would you need to pull out to get a matching pair of the same color?

17. How can a woman living in New Jersey, legally marry 3 men, without ever getting a divorce, becoming legally separated, or having a spouse die?

18. A woman goes into a hardware store to buy something for her house. When asked the price, the clerk replies, "the price of one is twelve cents, the price of forty-four is twenty-four cents, and the price a hundred and forty-four is thirty-six cents. What does the woman want to buy?

19. If there are 5 apples on the counter and you take away 2, how many do you have?

20. If, having only one match, on a freezing winter day, you entered a room, which contained a lamp, a kerosene heater, and a wood burning stove, which should you light first.

21. Take the number of your fingers multiplied by the number of you toes divided by one half and add it to the number of months in a year. What is the total?

22. A mother and father have six sons and each son has one sister. How many people are in that family?

23. Jenn has half the Beanie Babies that Mollie has. Allison has 3 times as many as Jenn. Together they have 72. How many Beanie Babies does each girl have?

24. Kevin is 14 inches taller than George. The difference between Kevin and Richard is two inches less than between Richard and George. Kevin at 6'6" is the tallest. How tall are Richard and George?

25. A baseball team had just won the championship game and the players wanted to congratulate each other. They began shaking hands, but each player only shook hands with every other player just once. There are, of course, only 9 players on a baseball team. How many times did the players shake hands?

26. A jar has 4 amoebas in it to start. Amoebas split their cells in two (therefore doubling in size) once every minute. The jar will be completely filled in 10 minutes. How long would it take to fill the same sized jar if had 8 amoebas in it to start?

27. There are 100 tennis players in the local tournament. If a player loses a match, he is immediately eliminated from the tournament. How many matches will be played to determine the winner?

28. Two trains are on a head on collision course. The trains are currently 65 miles apart. The northbound train is traveling at 55 miles per hour and the southbound train is traveling at 80 miles per hour. What is the distance between the trains two minutes before they collide?

29. A car travels at a speed of 30 mph over a certain distance, and then returns over the same distance at a speed of 20 mph. What is the average speed for the total trip?

30. A woman has 100 yards of cloth on a single roll, and she wants to divide it into 100 lengths of 1 yard each. It takes her 3 seconds to cut each length. Working non-stop, how long will it take her to cut all 100 pieces?

31. Two friends decide to get together; so they start riding bikes towards each other. They plan to meet halfway. Each is riding at 6 MPH. They live 36 miles apart. One of them has a pet carrier pigeon and it starts flying the instant the friends start traveling. The pigeon flies back and forth at 18 MPH between the 2 friends until the friends meet. How far does the pigeon travel?

32. Nick and John were exercising when the subject of weight came up. Nick had no problem telling John his weight, but John said he had more "mass" than he wanted. He wouldn't come right out and reveal his weight; so he told Nick this riddle. " I weigh 147 pounds plus half of my weight," he said. How much does he weigh?

33. A farmer knows that 20 of his hens, housed in 3 coops, will hatch 30 eggs in 18 days. How long will it take 30 hens, housed in 4 coops to hatch the same number of eggs?

34. How can you measure 1 gallon of juice out of a barrel, if all you have available is a 3-gallon and a 5-gallon pitcher?

35. Students at Monty High with a class size under of 30 took a math test. One third of the class got a "B", one quarter a "B-", one sixth a "C", and one eighth failed. The remainder of the students got an "A" How many students got an "A"?

36. When manufacturing bars of soap, the cutting machine produces scraps. The scraps from 11 bars of soap can be made into one extra bar. What is the total number of bars that can be made after cutting 250 bars of soap?

37. Kerry loves dumplings. He can eat 32 of them in an hour. His brother Pete needs 3 hours to eat the same amount. How long will it take them both together to eat 32 dumplings?

38. Joe bought a bag of oranges on Monday, and ate a third of them. On Tuesday he ate half of the remaining oranges. On Wednesday he looked in the bag to find he only had to oranges left. How many oranges were originally in the bag?

39. Joan and Jane are sisters. Jean is Joan's daughter and 12 years younger than her aunt. Joan is twice as old as Jean. Four years ago, Joan was the same age as Jane is now, and Jane was twice as old as her niece. How old is Jean?

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The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional".  Scroll down for each answer. The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?



























Keep going!!






































The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 


2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?






























Almost there!






































Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. 
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. 
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?





























A little more!


































Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.


4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?




























Last one!




































Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

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Answers to Brain Teasers

1. 13. She could possibly take out 6 black left hand gloves and then 6 brown left hand gloves; the next one would have to be either the right hand or left hand match.

2. The kids row across. One comes back. An adult goes over, and the kid comes back. Both kids row across again, and one comes back. The other adult rows across and the kid comes back. Both kids row across again.

3. You can't take a picture with hair curlers you need a camera!

4. 9⁹, this is 9x9x9x9x9x9x9x9x9 or 387,420,489.

5. Mount Everest has always been the tallest mountain, even before being discovered!

6. 6, he makes 5 originals from the 25 butts he found, and after he smokes them he has 5 butts left for another cigar.

7. The Sequoia. She only likes words with all 5 vowels in them. The Sequoia is the only American tree that contains all 5 vowels.

8. One, he may have many Birthdays, but only one birth day!

9. Mother, or Mom, or whatever you call your maternal relative.

10. They weigh the same. A pound is a pound.

11. They will both be the same distance from Paris when they meet!!

12. 9 minutes. It only takes 9 cuts to get 10 equal sections.

13. $1,898.00 is one more silver dollar than $1,897.00

14. Queue

15. It has to be Johnny. He's the third child!

16. 4. If you don't agree, try it yourself!

17. It's her job; she's a Justice of the Peace or a Minister.

18. House numbers.

19. You have 2 apples. There are 3 left on the counter, but you have 2.

20. The match of course!

21. 10x10=100÷1/2=200+12=212

22. 9

23. If Mollie has twice as many Beanie Babies as Jenn and Allison has 3 times as many as Jenn, then the total of 72 must be divided by 6. 72÷6=12. Therefore: Jenn has 12 Beanie Babies, Mollie has 24 Beanie Babies, and Allison has 36 Beanie Babies.

24. If Kevin is 6'6" tall, George must be 5'4" tall, and Richard must be 6' tall because he is 6" shorter than Kevin and 8" tall than George.

25. The first player only shakes hands with 8 other players, the second player only shakes hands with 7 other players (he already shook hands with the first player!), the third player only shakes hands with 6 players (he already shook hands with the first player and second player), and so on, until the last player who only has one possibility left. Therefore: 8+7+6+5+4+3+2+1=36

26. 9 minutes

27. If there is to be only one winner, than there are 99 loses, therefore there were 99 matches. You can also do this with math: in round 1 there would be 50 matches to produce 50 winners, round 2 would have 25 matches to produce 25 winners, round 3 would have 12 matches to produce 12 winners (one person of the 25 winners would have to wait until later to play again), round 4 would have 6 matches to produce 6 winners, round 5 would have 3 matches to produce 3 winners, round 6 would have 2 matches (the player left out before would now play to make it an even field) to produce 2 winners, these 2 would play for the championship. So: 50+25+12+6+3+2+1=99

28. If the trains are moving toward each other we combine their speeds to give us their speed basis. So: 55+80=135mph. Divide this speed by 60 minutes to give the speed they are traveling each minute=2.25 miles/minute. Therefore: 2 minutes before impact they are 4.5 miles apart.

29. 24 mph. Most people are quick to answer 25 mph, but this is not correct, as we will see. Let the distance traveled be 60 miles each way. Then, the trip out = 60/30 = 2 hours, and the trip back = 60/20 = 3 hours. Therefore: the 120 mile trip = 120/5 = 24 mph.

30. The answer is 297 seconds, not 300 as most people would suppose. This is because the 100 pieces are made in 99 cuts. The last cut made results in 2 pieces instead of only one piece.

31. It takes 3 hours for the friends to meet; so the pigeon flies for 3 hours at 18 MPH=54 miles.

32. If John weighs 147 pounds plus half of his body weight, the 147 pounds represents the other half. John weighs 294 pounds.

33. You can't shorten the process of egg hatching by increasing the number of chickens. Therefore, 30 hens will also need 18 days to hatch their eggs.

34. Fill the 3-gallon pitcher and pour it into the 5-gallon pitcher. Now fill the 3-gallon pitcher again and fill the 5-gallon pitcher to capacity. What remains in the 3-gallon pitcher is one gallon of juice.

35. First find the common denominator for the numbers 3, 4, 6, and 8. The only common denominator less than 30 is 24. Therefore, the students with a "B" = 8, "B-" = 6, "C" =4, failed = 3. This represents 21 of the students; so the 3 remaining students received an "A".

36. Divide 250 by 11, which equals 22.8. Now when you combine the extra 8 scraps with the scraps you'll have from the 22 bars, you'll have 30 more scraps. They will produce 2 more bars; so the total additional bars will be 24.

37. If Kerry eats 3 times as fast as Pete, he must be able to eat 3 times as many dumplings as his brother. Therefore, Kerry eats 24 while Pete eats 8 (32 ÷ 4 = 8). Together it takes them 45 minutes.

38. He had 6 oranges to start with, and ate 2 the first day and 2 the second day.

39. Joan is 32, Jane is 28, and Jean is 16.