RULE 1:

Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know.

RULE 2:

Don't laugh at folks' names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tommie Jo, Johnny Bob, Mari Beth, Marva, Edna Earl, and Inez have been known to whip a man's ass for less than that.

RULE 3:

Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a beating. Down here it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi, Sprite, or Dr. Pepper. Got it?

RULE 4:

Southern women don't fancy the smart mouth Yankees. Just remember, they all have Big brothers and Bigger daddies.

RULE 5:

Don't show allegiances to any other school football team but the Longhorns or Aggies. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who play Wyoming every week.

RULE 6:

Don't call us a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are better educated than you and a whole lot nicer to boot. We just talk that way to piss you off.

RULE 7:

Yes, we know the humidity is high; just quit complaining, spend your money, and go home.

RULE 8:

No, the state symbol of TEXAS is not the orange and white highway barrel. This road construction is ticking us off too.

RULE 9:

Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this, everyone will know you're from Nebraska. Just eat the biscuits like GOD meant for you to do. And do not order poached eggs. No one from the South eats eggs poached.

RULE 10:

Don't try to talk with a Southern accent if you don't have one or use regional idioms you can't possibly understand. Nothing makes us madder.

RULE 11:

Don't be telling everybody how much better it was back home. We're not going to change to make you happy. So if you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are!

RULE 12:

Our food isn't overcooked; yours is undercooked.

RULE 13:

Down here, "Kiss my ass" is a perfectly acceptable way to close an argument. You can't get more closure than that.

RULE 14:

Flirting is a Southern tradition. It doesn't mean you're going home with someone later. It doesn't mean the person flirting with you is even interested. It's all just practice.

Rule 15:

Take your hat off when you say the words "Tom Landry."

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VISITORS' GUIDE TO DALLAS, TX - life in America's fifth largest city

1. First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAH-LUS.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned else where. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray.

3. All directions start with, "Go down Beltline"...which has no beginning and no end.

4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "scenic drive."

5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will get rear ended.

7. Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native.

8. Construction on Interstate 30 is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.

9. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we are in Fort Worth!!"

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

11. All old ladies with blue hair in Cadillac's have the right of way.

12. Story road mysteriously changes names as you cross intersections.

13. If asking directions in the Irving side, you must have knowledge of Spanish.

14. Dallas/Fort Worth Intercontinental Airport has four terminal buildings connected by one tram that never works.

15. A trip across town will take a minimum of four hours.

16. Don't carry money, jewelry, family, etc., on Martin Luther King Frwy.

17. The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff isn't ornamental.

18. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking. I'm reloading."

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I LOVE TEXAS

May 30th: Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying in a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Good thing it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th: I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door she exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and s%it. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th: Dry heat, my a%#. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in darn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th: 115 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. I hate this state.

Aug 8th: If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his #@*&$!% throat out. Darn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted #@*&$!% Garfield!!

Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a darn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot two darn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren darn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.

Aug 14th: Welcome to Hades!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th: Worst day of the darn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hades. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to California where all you have to worry about is earthquakes.

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You are 100% Texan if... 

1. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash. 

2. You use the phrase "fixin' to" almost daily. 

3. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date. 

4. You've ever been excused from school because "the cows got out." 

5. You can properly pronounce the town Mexia, Waxahachie and Mesquite. 

6. You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration and he didn't mean farm animals. 

7. You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway. 

8. You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother's birthday. 

9. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies. 

10. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade. 

11. You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist. 

12. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other one go first. 

13. When you hear a tornado siren, you go out and look for a funnel. 

14. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it. 

15. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store. 

16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is. 

17. You know that everything goes better with Ranch. 

18. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply. 

19. You know that "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural. 

20 You are 100% Texan if you have ever had this conversation: 
"You wanna Coke?" 
"Yeah." 
"What kind?" 
"Dr. Pepper."
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Ok, Folks. Texas has given all those complainers plenty of time to get used to the Presidential election results. After seeing the whiners along the inauguration route, the folks from Texas have decided that we might just take matters into our own hands. Here is our solution: 

#1: Let Al Gore become President of the United States (all 49 states). 

#2: George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of Texas. 

So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic? 

NASA in Houston, Texas, will control the space industry. 

We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States 

Defense Industry (we have over 65% of it). The term Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning. 

Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that. 

Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it's too bad about those northern states. Al Gore will figure a way to keep them warm.... 

Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, Etc,Etc. 

Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world, and other large health planning centers. (facilities got a little damp but the facilities and staff are intact) 

We have enough colleges to keep us going: UT, Texas A&M, Rice, SMU, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT, Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the south anyway. 

We have a ready supply of workers (just open the border when we need some more). 

We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc. 

In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don't have an army but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple Texas Rangers. 

We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and vegetable produce and everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don't need any food. 

This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have. 

Now to the rest of the United States under President Gore: Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Gore will be able to drive around in his 9 mile per gallon SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes. 

You won't have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications. You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes but since Mr. Gore has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas. 

Just a few notes on REAL election results: 

Total Counties won by Bush: 2,434 
Total Counties won by Gore: 677 

Population of counties won by Bush: 143 million. 
Population of counties won by Gore: 127 million 

Square miles of country won by Bush: 2,427,000 
Square miles of country won by Gore: 580,000 

States won by Bush: 29 
States won by Gore: 19 

And an even more remarkable finding.... 

Average Murder per 100,000 residents in counties won by Bush: 0.1 
Average Murder per 100,000 residents in counties won by Gore: 13.2 

Researchers found one more interesting fact that might help explain these disparate murder rates. Gun ownership in the counties won by Mr. Bush is much higher than in the counties won by Mr. Gore. 

Signed, The People in Texas

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TEXAS PRIDE

When you're from Texas, people that you meet ask you questions like,

"Do you have any cows?" It's nice to be able to say yes.
"Do you have horses?" Yup.
“Bet you got a bunch of guns, eh?” Of course.
They all want to know if you've been to Southfork. They watched Dallas.

Have you ever looked at a map of the world? Heck yes you have. Look at Texas for me just for a second. That picture, with the Panhandle and the Gulf Coast, and the Red River and the Rio Grande is as much a part of you as anything ever will be. As soon as anyone anywhere in the world looks at it they know what it is. It's Texas. Pick any kid off the street in Japan and draw him a picture of Texas in the dirt, and he'll know what it is. What happens if I show you a picture of any other state? You'll get it maybe after a second, but who else in the world would?! Even if you do, does it ever stir any feelings in you?

In every man, woman and child on this little rock the Good Lord put us on, there is somewhere in them a person who wishes just once he could be a real live Texan and get up on a horse or ride in a pickup or dance at a dancehall. Did you ever hear anyone in a bar go, "Wow ... so you're from Kansas.. Cool. Tell me about it"? There is some bit of Texas in everyone.

Do you know why? Because Texas is Texas. Texas is the Alamo. Texas is 183 men standing in a church, facing thousands of Mexican nationals, fighting for freedom, who had the chance to walk out and save themselves, but stayed. We send our kids to schools named William B. Travis and Bowie and do you know why? Because those men saw a line in the sand and they decided to be heroes. John Wayne paid to do the movie himself. That is Texas

Texas is Sam Houston capturing Santa Anna at San Jacinto. Texas is Juneteenth and Texas Independence Day. Texas is huge forests of Piney Woods like the Davy Crockett National Forest. Texas is breathtaking mountains in Big Bend. Texas is shiny skyscrapers in Houston and Dallas. Texas is the uniqueness of Austin. Texas is a world record bass from places like Lake Fork. Texas is the best colleges around. From Houston to Lubbock and everywhere in between. Texas is Mexican food like nowhere in the world, even Mexico. Texas is Lone Star beer and Shiner Bock. Texas is larger-than-life legends like Willie Nelson and Buddy Holly, Earl Campbell and Nolan Ryan, Denton Cooley and Michael DeBakey, Lyndon Johnson and George Bush. Texas is great companies like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer and Compaq. Texas is huge herds of cattle and miles of crops. Texas is skies blackened with doves and leases full of deer. Texas is the best Barbecue anywhere. Period. Texas is the nicest people you'll ever meet. Anywhere. Not to mention, the prettiest girls. Texas is a place where cities shut down for the Cowboys on Monday Night Football and the streets are deserted during church. Texas is the best music, with the best musicians in the world. Texas is beaches, deserts, lakes and rivers, mountains and prairies.

If it isn't in Texas, you don't need it. No one does anything bigger or better. By federal law Texas is the only state in the U.S. that can fly its flag at the same height as the U.S. flag. Think about that for a second. You fly the Stars and Stripes at 20 feet in Maryland, or California, or Maine, and your state flag, whatever it is, goes at 17. You fly the Stars and Stripes in front of Pine Tree High in Longview at 20 feet, the Lone Star flies at 20 feet. Do you know why? Because we place being a Texan as high as being an American down here. Our capitol is the only one in the country that is taller than the capitol building in D.C. We signed those in as part of the deal when we came on.

That's the best part right there. When we came on, Texas was its own country. The Republic of Texas. Every time I think of that I tear up. Aren't you proud to be a Texan? You should be.
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As a Texan I thought I would share a few of the things I have learned in my years of living in this Heaven on Earth located south of the Red River and north of the Rio Grande. I can personally attest to the following points as being true.

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

Roadrunners don't say "Beep Beep."

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas and probably a half dozen species or more in your own backyard. There are 10,000 types of spiders. 10,001 live in Texas.

Armadillos love to dig holes under all bedding plants.

Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

You cannot find a country road without a curve from corner to corner.

Pecan is pronounced "puhcon."

A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

Texas has 6 seasons:
Spring - Feb 16 to April 15;
Spring Summer - April 16 to July 15 (temp 90 to 98 degrees);
Super Summer - July 16 to Sept 10 (temp 100 to 115 degrees);
Fall Summer - Sept. 11 to Oct 1 (temp 90 to 98 degrees);
Fall - Oct 2 to Dec 1;
Winter - Dec. 2 to Feb 15

The wind blows at 90 MPH (THIS IS EXCESSIVE) from Oct. 2 until July 15, then it stops totally. (This does not apply to West Texas.)

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic and they multiply even faster than rabbits.

Coldbeer is one word.

People actually grow and eat Okra - - and what's more, they like it.

Texans really don't have an accent - it's the rest of the world that talks funny.

When the world ends, only cockroaches and mesquite trees will survive.

Green grass DOES burn, as does your skin if you don't run fast enough to the next shade tree.

When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night. Cats come and go as they please.

The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first couple of weeks. After that, you don't even notice them anymore.

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to go to the doctor.

A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation and is drinkable to most of the livestock. And the Fish and Game Dept. will help you stock them and then they make good fishin' and swimmin' holes too.

"Bakards and forards" means I know everything about a subject, or the way to go if you're giving directions.

"Pertnear" means you are almost done-readin' this cute note.

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see. Then you get up the next morning before it's light enough to see, and start over.

Opossum is pronounced "possum" and resembles a big hairless rat.

"Fixnto" is one word - - and probably one of the most used words in the true Texan's vocabulary.
(Yes... I do use this word! Texan's are the only ones who understand this word!!!) :)

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You know your in Texas when...

1. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. 
2. Hot water now comes out of both taps. 
3. You can make sun tea instantly. 
4. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron. 
5. The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly. 
6. You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car. 
7. You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window. 
8. You actually burn your hand opening the car door. 
9. You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. 
10. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?" 
11. You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. 
12. The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground. 
13. The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper. 
14. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs. 
15. The cows are giving evaporated milk. 

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SOUTHERN ADVICE

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them; just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishin' bait in the same store. Don't buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big ol' truck or 'big ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

Be advised that 'He needed killin' is a valid criminal defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their Mammas taught them how to aim.

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes .. The South has 'maters.

The North has coffee houses .. The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services .. The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives .. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names .. The South has double first names.

The North has Cream of Wheat .. The South has grits.

The North has green salads .. The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters .. The South has crawfish.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call them biscuits.

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Rules for Entering Brownwood, TX

1. When you enter Brownwood, that marvel of engineering is called a "Traffic T". It is surrounded by 3 miles of construction (as well as half a dozen businesses that you "can't get to from here" ) in every direction, including a new intersection that is unlike any other in Texas according to TxDot. Hmmmm, is that supposed to be good?

2. On down the highway, watch out for the drivers around Wal Mart. Wal Mart is the hub of the city . City Hall should be there. If there was a voting box in Wal Mart we would have 100% voter turnout.

3. Across from Wal Mart is Taco Bell. Your life is in danger if you approach Taco Bell during the noon hour. Brownwood High School is 8 miles away and all 800 students have 30 minutes for lunch. They all try to make it to Taco Bell & back to school. At least half of them don't have a driver's license....or insurance.

4. Warning: High School football is a serious matter here. If you come to town on Friday and don't have on maroon, you had better have a good reason. Don't ask anyone why we have 17 football coaches. We like it that way. After all, most of them teach a class, too.

5. Downtown shopping is challenging. Brownwood is trying very hard to revitalize...except that nothing opens until 10. Huh? However, ANYONE can give a check, anytime. We like honest people.

6. The Red Wagon---an institution in Brownwood. Used to be the Yellow Wagon. Doesn't matter what color it is because it could be listed in Ripley's Believe it or Not for the breakfast alone. 2 eggs, ham, hash browns, homemade biscuits & gravy ...$1.99. The place is full 10 hours a day & there is no such thing as a smoking section. Everyone is smoking at the Red Wagon!

7. Lake Brownwood is north of town. You can drive across the dam and look at it, you can put a boat into it, but there is no place that is for public swimming or fishing. You can't eat anywhere on the lake or buy gas, groceries or a newspaper after 5:00. Even in the summer when it is not dark until 9. You can't buy beer there at all even though it is a wet area & its just as well because there are no public restroom either. If you do have a boat and manage to get it into the water, expect to get a ticket for something from one of the over-zealous lake patrolmen. You could be stopped 3 or 4 times in one day by the same guy. They must have short memories or they don't like strangers.

8.If you are moving to Brownwood, you shouldn't have a problem finding a house. The only thing we have more of than churches around here is real-estate agents. Probably 10% of our population holds a realtors license & they would all love to sell you something!

9. So much for coming to Brownwood. Hope to see you around!

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