This just in...

...Snape kills Dumbledore.

Oh come now. Don't give me that look. If you haven't heard the secret by now, you live under a rock in the middle of a desert. On the moon.

All I have to say is, if Harry doesn't kick MAJOR ass in the last book, I will be sorely disappointed. Like "The Bride vs. the Crazy 88's" brand of ass kickin'. Hell, I don't even mind if Harry and Co. somehow turn into ninjas and go crazy and kill people. I'm just sayin' is some folks need to get their heads kicked in the last book. Snape and Voldemort need to die. Fuckers. And I wouldn't mind seeing Draco Malfoy get pushed into a woodchipper. That kid needs a good spanking. Forget barring those scary homosexuals from getting married, pass a damn amendment about letting Death Eaters marry one another. No good comes of it! They make shitty parents.

Let me also say this and get it out of the way: Harry Potter is HOT. Now that he's in his teen years, it's semi-acceptable to say that. Never mind that you could tell he'd be hot in the first couple of movies and just had to wait a couple years to verbalize it. There's nothing wrong with that.

Now I have to wait a whole year for the next book to come out. Serves me right for losing my job and having TONS of free time to finally catch up with the Potter books.

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Onto Terrell Owens.

Just when you thought there wasn't a bigger asshole in sports, you meet his agent, Drew Rosenhaus. Who should get fired for not warning this client that bad behavior might actually cost T.O. money. Now, instead of getting 8 million a year, T.O. will be "lucky" to get a 1 year, 3 million dollar deal. No long term deals, no franchise tags.

T.O. is officially a leper.

T.O.'s apology was too little, too late. What it did show us is that with all his free time the rest of this season, T.O. can maybe take some Reading is Fundamental lessons, as he could barely stumble through his "contrite" apology without choking on the words. First graders give more convincing performances reading Goodnight Moon.

T.O. isn't sorry. T.O. is shocked that the Eagles decided to cut their loses and deactivate him for the rest of the season. T.O. isn't missing his team. He's missing coming up with new end zone celebrations and being in the spotlight. Memo to T.O.: your role of league entertainer has been filled by two better MEN (note that word, T.O., as you aren't one yet): Steve Smith and Chad Johnson.

I knew as soon as the T.O. shenanigans started with his holdout in preseason that he'd be in the spotlight, but this is sweet justice. Guess what: a sports team finally decided that push had come to shove and put the team first, wins be damned. Hats off to the Eagles for recognizing that character does count, and just because you have some innate talent to catch a football doesn't elevate you above the rest of us or relieve you of any responsibility to those around you.

T.O. brought it all upon himself. You don't call out your own teammates in the press. He opened himself to those stupid leading questions that T.O. was only happy to answer the wrong way, every time. Would the Eagles be better with Bret Favre as quarterback? Of course T.O. had the wrong answer for this question. Instead of saying it's a non-issue because his QB is Donovan McNabb and he stands behind McNabb 100%, T.O. concedes that Bret Favre would make the Eagles better. While that is HIGHLY debatable, no one in the league would ever put themselves in the position to be happily asked that question by the media. The press would never even think to ask that question of any other player in the league. T.O. puts himself out there to be abused because he opens his damn dumbass mouth and says the opposite of the smart, responsible thing.

Good riddance T.O. I hope you have fun chillin' the rest of the season. Maybe you can lift weights in your driveway again in a pathetic attempt to try to stay in the media spotlight. And you can shove that little "pitbull" Drew Rosenhaus into a woodchipper. If ever there was a guy that got so indiginant and said shit that no one ever believed, it's that guy. Sorry you guys are such victims of the media. I'll be sure to cry you two a river while I'm not fantasizing about the Harry Potter kids turning into giant ninjas and kicking the living shit out of Voldemort and Snape (who killed Dumbledore, by the way, in case you hadn't heard).

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And from the "is there not enough REAL shit to talk about, you gotta make stupid shit up" department: ESPN is running FAKE news conferences. They're "simulated" baseball GM press conferences. The same guy plays the GM for different teams like the Red Sox, Cubs, Yankess, et al.

Can someone please tell me why we have to listen to the same vapid platitudes from many different "perspectives?" It's like listening to the Dom Capers game recap every week on sports radio. Same shit, different week, same absolute vacuum of any useful and honest information.

I have never seen anything so retarded on T.V. ESPN must be hitting the bottom of the barrel when it comes to programming. And these are run during SportsCenter! Hello! There's football and basketball to talk about! Get his fake ass press conference crap off my T.V.! There's no reason for it.

Seriously, I just don't get it. They are simulating press conferences. About a sport no one will care about until spring training. And even then, the 13 baseball fans that exist in the world will barely register a blip on the sports radar screen. This is the biggest load of horse shit I have ever seen on ESPN, and this takes into consideration that I watched a couple episodes of "Tilt."

Reeeeeeeeeeetarded.

One can only hope that Voldemort is spotted on the fake set of these fake press conferences and Harry Potter gets wind of it and crushes all of ESPN's studios under his giant ninja foot.

(p.s. snape kills dumbledore. true story)