Livin' With an Attitude

::GOOD TIMIN' WOMAN::
Out every evenin'. The bars close at two.
I go to bed at three. Still ain't heard from you.
Do you go to breakfast like your friends say you do.
Or are you in the covers, and they're coverin' for you.
It's hard not to believe ya, 'cause I've heard a tale or two.
And the things that they're tellin' me sound so much like you.
'Cause you're a good timin' woman, but you ain't bein' good to your man!

All my friends ask me, "What did she marry you for?"
'Cause she's a good timin' woman, who won't stop her roamin'
And she never sleeps home anymore. (And mama says, "I told you so!")

You stumble out of bed, when the soaps hit the air.
And when they're off, it's almost time for the real one out there.
Six o'clock, dinner hour, and I know you'll be prepared.
'Cause you've been cookin' your curlers, and fryin' your hair.
And puttin' on your make-up. You can't miss a stroke.
Fixin' your face to look good in smoke.
You're a good timin' woman, but you ain't bein' good to your man!

Another evenin' it's "Good-bye." and you're gone.
Another night, and I "...lay me down" alone.
Another mornin' wonderin' if you'll beat the paper boy home.

Every night's a different place, from the night before.
Free drinks await you. No cover at the door.
Tatooed by hand stamps, but you don't really care.
'Cause whereever there's a 'Ladies Night', lady you'll be there.
Tearin' up the town, keepin' time to the tunes.
You're the queen of the night owls. The 'Who's Who of Honky Tonk Saloons'.
But you ain't bein' good to your man. You're a two-steppin' woman, two-timin' your man.
Gettin' by with everything you can. (Mama was right!)
You're a good timin' woman. Just a good timin' woman.
A root-tootin', boot-scootin' woman.
Just a good timin' woman!

::CHECKLIST FOR LOVE::
I shouldn't covet, tell you that I love it, 'cause I know I could lose.
I keep rehearsin', tryin' to be the person that you might want to choose.
But it's that checklist for love, that scares me.
Won't you direct me, but please don't reject me. Just give me some clues.
Do you want money? Do you want charm?
How about his humor and the size of his arm?
What means the most on your checklist for love?
She said, "None of the above!"

An adoption, made-to-order concoction, that's what I'd be.
A composite to sublease your closet and fulfill all your dreams.
I need your checklist for love .
I could be your prima donna, your white knight persona if you'd give it to me.
What style of hair? What kind of a build?
Tell me what you'd order and I'll see that it's filled!
What means the most on your checklist for love?
She said, "None of the above!"

I thought it over nearly got a hemotoma tryin' to be what I'm not.
You know I want you, don't wanna disappoint you, but this is all I've got!
I know the checklist for love will get me.
And be the stopper cuz all I've got to offer are the simpler things:
I know that I'll love you for the rest of my life!
I know I won't be happy 'til I've made you my wife!
What means the most on your checklist for love?
She said, "All the above!"

::SANTA JR (Be Good)::
Parody of Johnny B. Goode (Chuck Berry)
New Lyrics by Randy Whittern

Up near the arctic circle evergreens won't grow.
There stands a little house, always covered with snow.
Santa and his wife live there with the elves.
Santa had a boy, named him after himself.
He grew up playin' with every toy in the world.
You might have known he'd be rotten, you might have known he'd be spoiled!

Oh no! Who painted Rudolph's nose? Who hot-footed Frosty's toes?
Who took the Barbie clothes? And put 'em on the GI Joes?
SANTA JR BE GOOD!

As junior grew up he got more rowdy each day.
The elves made him a guitar just to keep him away.
Next thing you know all his toys were on the shelf.
He just wanted to play music, and do nothing else!
On the night before Christmas, when his dad would leave,
Junior would be practicin' for New Years Eve!

Go. Go Santa Jr, Go! I said, "Go Santa Jr, Go!"
Go Santa Jr, Go! I said, "Go Santa Jr, Go!"
SANTA JR BE GOOD!

One Christmas Eve, Santa awoke with a cough.
He had the Arctic flu, was gonna call it all off.
Junior burst in, and said, "You know I like to rock.
But if the kids need a 'Santa', I'm a chip off the block!"
So he loaded up the sleigh and drove into the night,
But you could hear him exclaim as he drove out of sight,

"Ho, ho, ho! Go Donder, go Blitzen, go. Go Dasher, go Prancer, go!
Ho, ho, ho! HO, HO, HO! Get your cookies out, put your milk on ice.
Rowdy Santa Jr's comin' down your chimney tonight. (That's right!)"

::THE GREAT PRETENDER::
Parody of The Great Pretender (Buck Ram)
New Lyrics by Randy Whittern

Oh yes, I'm the Great Pretender.
Pretendin' to be what I'm not. I'm all by myself. The mall won't pay for an elf.
My toys weren't handmade, they were bought.

Oh yes, I'm the Great Pretender.
Pretendin' to be Ole St. Nick. They think I should know their names, but these kids all look the same.
Nintendo, and Barny make me sick.

They sit on my knees, and they cough and sneeze (achoo-ooo)
They pull on my beard, 'cause these kids don't believe.

Oh yes, I'm the Great Pretender.
I laugh and I wave to the crowd. (yoo-hoo-ooo)
I make you say, "Cheese!" But my pictures are not free.
Oh, but mom and dad will be so proud. Cash only. No checks allowed.

They sit on my knee, till I make them leave!
They pull on my beard, 'cause these kids don't believe.

Oh yes, I'm the Great Pretender.
I wear a red suit like a clown. (you foo', you fool ya)
These boots hurt my toes, and this beard tickles my nose.
I'm stuffed, so I look big and round.
Pretending that I weigh three hundred pounds. (Big and round)
"Ho, ho, ho!"

::THE RING::
I guess I'm by myself again.
I've been sittin' here for hours and it won't sink in.
It's just hard to understand.
We run out and sign some papers, and it's supposed to end.
But the papers' just for show.
And I knew what it would take to make me finally let you go.

I took off the ring. Gave up the ghost.
It was the final thing. And it hurt the most.
And now it sits and gathers dust. And circles the emptiness.
'Cause that's all that's left of us.

I feel surrounded by this house.
It's so empty, void of meaning, like our wedding vows.
When we stood in front of all our friends.
After weeks of preparations, tying up loose ends.
All leading up to that one kiss.
I'm so glad that no one's watching now, to see it end like this.

I took off the ring. Gave up the ghost.
It was the final thing. And it hurt the most.
And now it sits and gathers dust. And circles the emptiness.
'Cause that's all that's left of us.

What became of me...and you?
Now you say you don't.
But that night you said, "I do."

You put on the ring. You gave the oath.
The symbol of everything. The eternal hope.
And now it sits and gathers dust. And circles the emptiness.
'Cause that's all that's left of us.

::LOOKIN' FOR MS. GOODBAR::
(Love Can Wait)

I'm lookin' for someone who'll wait on love.
Just any ole angel, sent from above.
Hey, have you noticed the girl I'm speakin' of?
I'm lookin' for someone, someone I can love.

(What if she's a livin' doll?)
Well, she might measure up if she's not too tall.
(And if she's anxious from the start?)
Better break that date and not my heart.
Good time girls are kinda hard to please,

And the prettier the woman, the harder to keep.
I don't know what I'm tryin' to find,
But I know she's comin' in God's own time. (Yessir!)

I'm lookin' for someone who'll treat me right.
Who'll never scold me, and hold me every night.
I need a lady, who'll give me everything.
I need a little queenie, to treat me like a king.
(Yes, your highness. No, your highness.)

(What if she's for women's lib?)
She can't use my body or use my rib!
(And if she's livin' on the edge?)
Better dis that sis, and not my pledge.
That's too high of a price to pay, With the 7th commandent and the threat of Aids.
I don't know what I'm tryin' to say,
But I'll know she's comin' when she walks this way.

And if she's worth bein' loved, then she's worth the wait. (Hep me!)
I'm waitin' on someone, but I'm runnin' out of time.
Hey, come here, lady. I've got somethin' on my mind.
Look in the mirror, and tell me what you see.
I've been waitin' on someone, and you look like her to me.
A lifetime's a long time, so be sure as you can be.
I'm waitin' on someone...I just hope she waits for me!

::I'M FOR REAL::
I know you're confused, you're thinkin' you've been used, and that's what you're afraid of.
But if you could see, inside My heart, you'd see what it's made of.
It doesn't just pump blood, not anymore, you've got to believe it.
It's pushin' so much love, but what's it for, if you won't receive it?
I'm askin' you to trust Me. Believe what you feel.
Thomas, I'm for real.

Take your fingertips, feel the holes in My wrists, where they drove the nails that hung Me.
See the marks on My brow, where they placed a thorny crown, imagine how it stung Me.
Place your hand in My side, where they made sure I'd died, as I lay there unbroken.
Like a thief, crucified; innocent, yet despised; to fulfill what had been spoken.
Go ahead and touch Me. Believe what you feel.
Thomas, I'm for real.

Why won't you trust Me? Don't deny what you feel.
Thomas, I'm for real. Thomas, I'm for real.
I'm for real.

::HANGIN' OUT WITH THE WRONG CROWD::
Late night trollin' and drinkin' beers.
Couldn't pull him away from his peers.
Screamed their voices hoarse and laughed to tears.
What a way to waste those years.
Stumblin' into class half plowed.
Didn't make good grades...thought they were good, makin' out.
And hangin' out with the wrong crowd.
All their dates were well endowed. Good conversation's all they did without.
Hangin' out with the wrong crowd.

Then one mornin' as he sat in church.
After 17 years of sermons, one finally worked.
Lost a little empty, picked up a little worth.
Just a bit of heaven brought him back to earth.
Now he's made a hundred and eighty degree turn-about.
He's out of the 'in' crowd, and his old friends are quick to point it out.
They tell him, "You're hangin' out with the wrong crowd!"
When Christ returns with a shout. Then we can all see who gets taken out.
And who belongs to the wrong crowd.
How 'bout you? Are you hangin' out with the wrong crowd?

::GITARZAN, THE GANGSTAMAN::
Parody of Gitarzan (Ray Stevens/Bill Everette)
New Lyrics by Randy Whittern

He's free as a breeze, he's always at ease,
My homeboy swings through the jungle trees,
Wears his pants to his knees, you can see his BVD's!
He's got a union card, and he's practicin' hard to play the guitar,
Yeah, he's gonna go far, gonna be a rap star,
Baby, you can drive my car.
He got a crash guitar course from QVC,
The boys in the hood call him 'Jungle T',
Hates C & W, loves R & B, and me and the chimpanzee agree,
If you listen to the radio, yo, you never know. Giddit, giddit, giddit. Giddit, giddit, giddit.

Gitarzan. He's a Gangstaman. He's all you can stand. Give him a hand! Gitarzan!

He's got a girl named Jane with no last name.
Kinda homely and plain, but she's a homey just the same.
You can call her 'The Queen', the girlfriend can sing,
It's kind of a 70's thing, she's a dancin' machine, so come on, GET BUSY, sing one, Jane.

Well, he's got a pet monkey, he's an Elvis junky,
Sings rock-n-roll and it sounds real funky.
Come on, it's your turn, boy, sing one monkey.

Well, on Saturday night they need some excitement,
Jane gets right, and the monkey gets tight,
And their voices unite in the pale moonlight, and it sounds all right,
Yeah it's dynamite, it's outa sight,
It's OVERBITE, so let's hear it right now!

Gitarzan, he's a Gangstaman. He's all you can stand, give him a hand, Gitarzan.
Gitarzan, he's an American-African. He's all you can stand, give him a hand, Gitarzan.

::WHEN HE CALLED MY NAME::
Parody of When I Called Your Name (DuBois/Gill)
New Lyrics by Randy Whittern

I rushed home from church, like I always do.
But something was different, that day in the pew.
A sweet invitation, but nobody came.
'Cause nobody answered, when He called my name.
The words of the sermon, I still can recall.
And the choir kept on singing, but I just stood there through it all.
If only I had asked Him, my whole life could have changed.
But nobody answered, when He called my name.

Oh, the lonely sound of His voice callin'. But it's callin' me in vain.
He hung there in pain, to keep me from fallin'.
But nobody answered, when He called my name.

Oh, the lonely sound of His voice callin'. Is it callin' you in vain?
He rose from the grave, to keep you from fallin'.
Why won't you answer, when He calls your name?
Please, won't you answer, when He calls your name.